As I finish writing The Skinny on Networking and reading everything I can find on the subject, I note that the two general principles of networking are discussed by everyone:

1. The more people you know the better, and
2. The more diverse the people you know you, the better.

What is not addressed, however, is the topic of today’s entry: how to persuade someone to actually help you.

All of the literature on networking presumes that your contacts are going to help you. The assumption is that if you have social capital with another person – usually a sense of reciprocity for acts you have done for him/her – that person is going to respond favorably to your request. I suggest an alternative way of thinking:

Your family and very closest friends are going to help if they can. But, 95% of your network needs a reason to help. In other words, they need to know what’s in it for them.

Now, I know how cynical this sounds. I know that the premise is that we all help each other when we can. But, if you take that attitude into your requests of others, you may be making a mistake.

First, you can never accurately value your social capital with another. You may think that acts or favors you did for another have significant value – but the other may not.

Second, you can never accurately assess the cost to the other of what you request. You may know, for example, that one of your contacts is friendly with a big shot you want to meet. You may therefore think to yourself “what’s the big deal for her to introduce me to the big shot?” The problem is that you don’t know the dynamic between she and the big shot. Their friendship may weaken if she is continually asking things of the big shot.

So, my attitude when I ask someone a favor is:

1. I don’t presume enough social capital, and
2. I presume that whatever I am asking is a big deal for the other person.

Note that I still ask. It’s just that I always try to tag my request with any or all of the following:

1. A statement of appreciation,
2. A suggestion of how I might be able to return the favor,
3. An acknowledgement of the principle of reciprocity, and
4. An idea of how the help to me might also create value for the other.

It is unlikely that your contact will be offended by your statements. Therefore, I suggest my approach is the safer course; in other words, don’t make assumptions about your social capital with another nor the cost to the other of your request.

Jim Randel is the founder of The Skinny On book series – what many people are calling “unique reading experiences.” The Skinny on Networking will be available in July 2010.